Painful Awakening

Something’s not right is it? You’ve known it for quite a while now haven’t you? But you can’t quite put your finger on it, can you?

Life is a daily drudge, sleeping and waking, trying to fill the big void. There is something missing, but you don’t know what it is, and what you try to fill the void with, isn’t working, is it? The pain is still there. Something is wrong.

The drugs no longer give you the high you needed, the pain and unease are still there, even after a night of heavy drinking, oh you escaped it for a while, but now its back isn’t it? The addictions don’t fulfil the need you have anymore, but you don’t really know what that need is anyway. The casual sex isn’t doing it for you either… and the porn… well, you’ve gone so past your initial comfort zone… desensitised yourself so much, that you hardly recognize who you are anymore. The depression is getting worse not better. You’re in pain, you’re ill, the medication doesn’t work and all they do is keep handing you more and more pills, and tell you to go away, and you wonder where will it all end?

Yet each and every day is the same, one dull moment after another, interspersed with thoughts of the next high, the next drug, the next drink, the next encounter, the next pill… life has no meaning has it ? Sure don’t you need this stuff? What else is there?

But the pain keeps chasing you, and you run, and you run to escape it, but you can’t, it’s like your shadow, clinging closer and closer, becoming more and more restricting the more you try to run from it…. until you crash and burn or….

Until the day you turn and face this thing, it will never leave you.

This is the day of painful awakening, when you wake up, and say I want something different, I don’t know what, I don’t know how, but something has to change here. I can’t go on like this.

And you’re standing there in the void of your own making, and you’re lost and alone and scared out of your wits, because the familiar is still calling you, and your pain is great, but you know, you just know that the fear of the unknown and the fear of what it entails, will have to battle with that old way of being in your world, before you can move on.

And most of us don’t know how to move on, people don’t understand what we’re going through, they don’t know our secrets, how many would stay with us if they did? Very few I gather. So you’re alone, and afraid and suddenly vulnerable in the shadow of your pain, no one can help you now, but yourself.

Are you strong enough? Ask for strength… yes you’re strong enough, it’s inside you all along… you’ve come this far… yes you’re strong…. ask for it… see yourself coping… see yourself  being strong… ask for it…. feel that strength… that determination seeping into every cell… every fibre of your being… feel it…

Identify your needs… what do you really want? Everything we do has a form of payback, whether it is something we are aware of consciously or unconsciously, otherwise we wouldn’t do it… think about it….

What are the drugs / drink giving you? A high, an escape from a mundane world? Try science, try nature, have you walked in the rain yet and enjoyed it, allowed the rain to fall on your face, on your skin, looked into a raindrop and saw the world in it? Got high on the scents of damp earth and wet foliage, or the scent of newly cut grass, have you ever sat under the moon and stars and wondered at the awesomeness of it all? Have you every really looked at a flower, an insect, a sunset and felt something indescribably beautiful welling up inside of you? Have you ever noticed the wind caressing your skin? There is a bigger high, a bigger escape that can be found, if we take the time to look for it, and sometimes it just finds us, we just have to be aware and open to it.

What is your pain, illness, disease or depression giving you? An excuse? An opt out clause from living? Attention of some sort? A veil to hide behind? Have you ever thought about it? What are you resisting? What are you not accepting in your life? What have you not dealt with emotionally? Who have you not forgiven? Who are you still angry at? Acceptance is the beginning of the end of pain. What we resist, persists until we accept and let it go. What are you still taking personal? What are you still hanging on to, that is causing your depression, your illness, your dis ease, your pain? I know people who have been told they would die young, but they are still alive, I know of people who were told they’d lost the use of limbs forever, yet they can use them now. I know of people who were told they’d never walk again, yet they do. And I also know of people who believed the doctors and they died, or they are still ill, not only with one illness, but a fine collection of maladies, which keeps them happy in a painful way. Please forgive me, some of you are getting angry, protesting, a normal response, some illness etc cannot be healed, oh I know that, but think about this more deeply when your anger subsides. What is it giving you? What is the payback? What would have to be different in your life if you hadn’t got that issue? What would your life require of you? Our body will tell us what part of us needs attention, our subconscious mind will express any perceived threat to the inner balance of our body in some way, shape or form. What is it stopping you from doing? Does that question make you comfortable or uncomfortable? Become aware.

What is sex or porn giving you? I’m not talking about loving sex here by the way. I’m talking about multiple partners. Is it just for company? You can’t bear to be on your own? Don’t you like yourself, your own company, your own thoughts? Perhaps you have a need to release tension, frustration, anger? Perhaps you can’t allow yourself to get close to someone, to connect with them deeply, it’s easier to see people as an object, then you can disconnect quicker, walk away, next please. You might have to lose something of yourself if you connect mightn’t you? Sex and desires are of the Ego part of our minds, they always want to get something, they always fear that we can lose something, so the giving a part of ourselves doesn’t come into it. It’s all about getting. Fear is great in all of this. Ego wants the next great excitement, it’s always looking for more, and nothing ever satisfies this part of us. Nothing will ever be enough.  You’ve tried sexuality, have you tried sensuality? Tantra? It awakens a deeper part of us, a more satisfying part. Have you really looked into the eyes of your lover, seen their soul and let them see yours?… Oh it’s scary… it’s uncomfortable at first… you feel more vulnerable than if you were naked with a stranger… it’s disquieting… oh but how you can connect… oh but how you can know that person without the words. Have you ever just held hands? Noticed the warmth of their skin, have you ever really looked closely at the person you’re with? The magazines and the videos and the images will never even come close to the feeling of euphoria, inner joy and contentment this can bring.

Another form of escapism from pain is the TV; we don’t have to think when we watch it. We can opt out of life so easily. We sit for hours in trance watching stupid programmes, all these things keep us stuck… they all have some form of payback and most of us are happily or unhappily unaware that there is another way. When you see that you have a choice and you can consciously do something towards making a different choice, that’s when things will change, that’s when you’ll get different results, that’s when you’ll see that life does not actually have any meaning…. Until we give it some ourselves! Welcome to your painful awakening if you choose it! The choice is yours! Choose consciously!