Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 24 The Relationship Bank

October 15, 2017

By Paula O’Sullivan

Relationship Bank

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

I wish I’d been aware of the concept of a relationship bank account in my early years of relationships, it would have saved everyone concerned so much pain.

It was after reading Steven Covey’s book, ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ that I raised my awareness. I had been accused on many occasions over the years of ‘keeping score’, but in all honesty, I could see that things weren’t balanced. I was giving way more in my relationships and feeling more than a tad resentful. But there isn’t any blame in my mind now, I see that I didn’t have the confidence or the sense of worthiness to actually ask for what I wanted. I was caught up in my childhood conditioning of how I thought things were meant to be, based on the ways I saw relationships playing out around me. See my article ‘It’s a Generational Thing – Part 20’.

Healthy relationships aim to meet each other’s needs. If you consider the concept of ‘Evolve or Die’, all things must continue to grow, or they die. Ideas evolve or grow into plans and actions, or else they die as unfulfilled wishes. In the same way, relationships and friendships evolve with the building of trust, honesty, communication, clear expectations, integrity, little kindnesses, courtesies, and sincerity. A healthy relationship is about giving and receiving. If we don’t have these little things, we can develop anger, resentment, bitterness, mistrust and conflict. We must put more deposits into the relationship bank to enable it to flourish, and aim to make fewer withdrawals. If you’re wondering why you would bother, then ask yourself why you are staying in that relationship to begin with. Check out my article called ‘Meeting Your Unmet Needs – Part 22’.

So how do we make a deposit? How do we make our relationships better and happier? How do we evolve?

Understanding

It’s really essential that we try to understand the other person’s point of view. Most of us are trying to get our view understood first. We are all reacting based on our own experiences, which may be different from another person’s. If we ask questions to find out how the other person feels, we will maybe understand their perspective and perhaps see how our actions may or may not have contributed. Most of us have a basic need to be listened to, to feel that what we are expressing is valid. You’ll make a serious withdrawal if you invalidate what someone says they are feeling, because it’s real for them. Sometimes we have subconscious scripts playing in our minds based on how unworthy we feel etc. and this can colour our perceptions, but if you want your relationship to blossom, it’s worth taking the time to listen to each other and try to understand where they might be coming from.

Expectations

Most of our thoughts and feelings of hurt and frustration happen when someone’s behaviour doesn’t meet our expectations. The most difficult thing for most of us, is to actually ask the other person what they expect from us, and to tell them what we expect from them. We prefer to mind read instead – it’s much less confrontational – there’s much less chance of being rejected! But this can drive you batshit crazy, because you start making up a lot of stories in your head, which may not be the full truth of the situation at all! When expectations aren’t met, people fall out, become distant, argue a lot and sometimes have affairs and or leave.

Here’s a rather open-minded question based on a perspective I reached from my own personal experiences with this. If you’re not meeting someone’s needs and they have an affair, who’s cheating who? Just something to ponder on.

Keeping your promises

Do what you say you will do. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, if you want to keep a healthy relationship balance. This will build trust, and trust is hugely important. It’s also very imperative that you keep your promises to yourself also, otherwise, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life mentally beating yourself up, and metaphysically you’ll start attracting those people who will emotionally abuse you. I know, because this is what happened to me until I changed things.

Appreciation

Mutual appreciation, admiration and gratitude are real relationship builders. It’s the little daily genuine compliments, concern, kindnesses, courtesies, the wanting the very best for the other, that creates a healthy relationship balance.

 Honesty

Admit and apologize sincerely when you fuck up. We all do it at some stage, we’re busy, we’re careless, we have our pride, we don’t ask for what we want. If you break the trust you have between you, it’s like smashing a plate and glueing it back together. The cracks will still be there, you’ve weakened your relationship, and you’ve made a withdrawal. If you were depositing regularly your relationship might survive this, if you weren’t, it may not.

Part 25 – Victim or Victor – Dropping the Stories.

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 

 

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Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 23

July 11, 2017

Divided Mind – Taming the Ego

By Paula O’Sullivan

 

Taming Ego

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

 

‘We must go beyond the constant clamor of ego, beyond the tools of logic and reason, to the still, calm place within us: the realm of the soul’ – Deepak Chopra

 In order to tame the ego, we must first know a little bit about it, and why anyone would even want to tame it. Notice I said tame, and not destroy it, as we need it in some ways to know ourselves as an individual. If you look in the dictionary, you may very well be still confused as to what it is. It is described as; a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance, the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity, and, a conscious thinking subject. Interesting descriptions.

There are many ancient stories that refer to the beginning of the ego / divided mind, in mankind. Some relate to Atlantis, the Annunaki, and the creator gods. There are references in the bible too.  The Adam and Eve story refers to the creation of the Adamic and Eve race and the subsequent division of mind and the discovery of good and evil, or more appropriately, awareness and unawareness. Apparently the original souls that came to earth, were of a higher consciousness and were fully aware. The duality or division of mind that ego created, led us out of paradise, not poor Eve! We’re in paradise or heaven when we’re fully aware, we’re in hell when we’re not! I’ll explain more about this in a future article.

To make it easier to understand, let’s consider that Ego stands for Edging God / or Goodness Out. If we were like the original souls, before the fall, we would have a higher consciousness and awareness of ourselves and others. We would make more decisions and choices based on love and compassion. We would only see the connections between souls. We would recognize the similarities we all share in this earth school.

Well the good news is, that we are like the original souls, we all have an inherent goodness in us, a light, an awareness, a conscience, or Con – Science (science of the heart)

However for a long, long time we have been conditioned to exist from the perspective of the ego.

The ego is our lower, baser self, it’s all about the ‘Me’ part of us, and self – preservation. The higher part of ourselves, the ‘I’ is the soul, and is about the interconnectedness of all things.

How were we conditioned?

We’ve been encouraged to believe in borders, flags, nationalities, patriotism, and differences. Cautioned to ignore our intuition (tuition from within) and to be skeptic of it. The religious and political stories we’ve been told have separated us from ourselves and others. All arguments, all wars spring from ego, the need to be right at all costs.

We were told Eve was to blame, this started a patriarchal system that is still alive and kicking today.  Women are still being treated as second class citizens around the world. Yes the men did and still do terrible things, they have been conditioned that way. Women do awful things too. In unawareness, in ego mind, we are separated from our soul’s highest intentions.

We were told that the God we believe in is outside of us, and that we’re not worthy enough to even gather up the crumbs from under the table of that entity. If we were encouraged to believe that entity was within each of us, we might just feel it important to respect everyone. We’d all be sacred then wouldn’t we?

Far too many of us were brought up mostly in an unloving manner, with a social myth about ‘sparing the rod and spoiling the child’. We now know that this way of parenting creates people who are unable to love, to connect to themselves and others. It creates people who are dependent and prone to depression, suicide and addictions. It creates people who feel they are flawed, disconnected and unworthy.

Our school systems are primarily geared towards left brained learning. Most of it is academic, analytical, rational stuff. From an early age our minds are crammed with useless shite, of little or no use in our everyday lives after we leave. We are taught to listen and repeat, and not taught to think and reason for ourselves.

We are taught to ridicule the imagination. ‘It’s only your imagination’- (you’re just a feckin looney!)

Perhaps psychology was introduced to highlight and control those fucked up individuals among us who didn’t conform to left brain conditioning. If you’re a right brained creative or psychic etc. you’ll be seen as a weirdo, more separation. Don’t worry if this depresses you, they have a pill for that!

Look around you at your world if you don’t believe me for proof of ego mind in action. Poverty, hunger, greed, wars, bigotry, racism, sectarianism, pollution, slavery, crimes, mental health issues (gentle souls get depressed, in this unloving world of ego. You rarely hear of egotistical psychopaths getting depressed do you?) Pornography (this separates males and females from forming connected sacred sexual relationships) and on and on the list goes!

Is this the kind of world we want for ourselves and our children and grandchildren?

So how do we tame our ego, how do we begin to heal the divided mind?

  • Learn to love, accept and respect yourself, then you’ll begin to love accept and respect others, you will see the connection between us all.
  • Start to value your imagination. It’s the greatest gift we’ve all been given, use it wisely and only allow what you would like to happen into it. Know that what you wish for others, you wish for yourself.
  • Pay attention to your intuition and your conscience, that’s your soul prompting you to other alternative more aware choices.
  • If you are in two minds about some decision, ask how this will affect all concerned, if it hurts or harms another person or being, choose carefully.
  • Practice using your right brain. Stories, music, art, being creative, exploring imagination etc. We need both sides of our brain, we’re like an aeroplane flying on one wing otherwise.
  • Meditate, and listen to the promptings of your higher self. There is a wiser, less mean part of us. We can be cold hearted beasts or warm hearted angels, or somewhere in between.
  • Catch yourself trying to be right, trying to win at the cost of another, trying to destroy someone else, by gossiping etc. Catch yourself out.
  • Find the ‘I’ that is observing the ‘Me’ Find the wiser self, watch the ego play its little games.

Part 24 – The Relationship Bank

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 


Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 19

November 24, 2015

addicted

Addicted

By Paula O’Sullivan

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” ― Edgar Allan Poe (Quote)

Whatever you may be addicted to, in order to be free, you’ll need to find out what your addiction appears to be giving you. We won’t give something up unless there is the promise of a better life waiting for us. Every behaviour has a payback, we get something out of it, or we wouldn’t do it. We are motivated in two basic ways: by the ‘Promise of Pleasure’ or the ‘Fear of Pain’.

When we are addicted to something, it can appear that this helps us to deal with our needs and desires, but usually it’s just a quick fix, a band aid solution. This is why people remain addicted for so long. The effects of the alcohol or drugs wear off and we are painfully aware of our reality once again, the adrenalin kick from gambling or sex wears off, and we have to re- experience it again to feel good, hopeful or less lonely. The stressful situations keep happening and we have to keep smoking to help us ‘cope’.

You think the addiction is helping you to cope, but it’s not really solving the issue for you, it’s actually creating more problems. Unless you focus on the benefits of quitting the addiction, and begin to imagine how good that will feel, and how your life and relationships will improve in so many ways, you will remain stuck.

Most of us find it difficult to imagine what we DO want.  Mostly we focus on what we DON’T want to happen. This is the fear of pain again, which stops us from moving forward.

When we’re addicted, we have given up our own power. We are saying to the thing or person ‘Save me, I am powerless without you’.

Most of us who are or have been addicted to something, have very deep emotional needs that weren’t or aren’t being met in a healthy way. This is not so easy to address, so we reach out for something to make it all better, but the pain is still there at the end of the bottle, cigarette, drug, gambling slip, one night stand or whatever. The story is and will remain the same, unless you decide now to change the ending.

Remember that no matter what has happened to you in your life, you still have a choice how to think about it. You can be a strong survivor, or a helpless victim of your circumstances. Most of us just want to feel loved, accepted, and respected. If we are expecting the world to meet our basic needs, we may be disappointed. This creates havoc within us, we feel we aren’t good enough, and we become our own destroyers. We have to find a way to love, accept and respect ourselves first and to discover our own power, regardless of others, then we can be free.  Check my blog for articles that help with this.

Part 20 – It’s A Generational Thing

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com


Painful Awakening

July 6, 2012

Image

Something’s not right is it? You’ve known it for quite a while now haven’t you? But you can’t quite put your finger on it, can you?

Life is a daily drudge, sleeping and waking, trying to fill the big void. There is something missing, but you don’t know what it is, and what you try to fill the void with, isn’t working, is it? The pain is still there. Something is wrong.

The drugs no longer give you the high you needed, the pain and unease are still there, even after a night of heavy drinking, oh you escaped it for a while, but now its back isn’t it? The addictions don’t fulfil the need you have anymore, but you don’t really know what that need is anyway. The casual sex isn’t doing it for you either… and the porn… well, you’ve gone so past your initial comfort zone… desensitised yourself so much, that you hardly recognize who you are anymore. The depression is getting worse not better. You’re in pain, you’re ill, the medication doesn’t work and all they do is keep handing you more and more pills, and tell you to go away, and you wonder where will it all end?

Yet each and every day is the same, one dull moment after another, interspersed with thoughts of the next high, the next drug, the next drink, the next encounter, the next pill… life has no meaning has it ? Sure don’t you need this stuff? What else is there?

But the pain keeps chasing you, and you run, and you run to escape it, but you can’t, it’s like your shadow, clinging closer and closer, becoming more and more restricting the more you try to run from it…. until you crash and burn or….

Until the day you turn and face this thing, it will never leave you.

This is the day of painful awakening, when you wake up, and say I want something different, I don’t know what, I don’t know how, but something has to change here. I can’t go on like this.

And you’re standing there in the void of your own making, and you’re lost and alone and scared out of your wits, because the familiar is still calling you, and your pain is great, but you know, you just know that the fear of the unknown and the fear of what it entails, will have to battle with that old way of being in your world, before you can move on.

And most of us don’t know how to move on, people don’t understand what we’re going through, they don’t know our secrets, how many would stay with us if they did? Very few I gather. So you’re alone, and afraid and suddenly vulnerable in the shadow of your pain, no one can help you now, but yourself.

Are you strong enough? Ask for strength… yes you’re strong enough, it’s inside you all along… you’ve come this far… yes you’re strong…. ask for it… see yourself coping… see yourself  being strong… ask for it…. feel that strength… that determination seeping into every cell… every fibre of your being… feel it…

Identify your needs… what do you really want? Everything we do has a form of payback, whether it is something we are aware of consciously or unconsciously, otherwise we wouldn’t do it… think about it….

What are the drugs / drink giving you? A high, an escape from a mundane world? Try science, try nature, have you walked in the rain yet and enjoyed it, allowed the rain to fall on your face, on your skin, looked into a raindrop and saw the world in it? Got high on the scents of damp earth and wet foliage, or the scent of newly cut grass, have you ever sat under the moon and stars and wondered at the awesomeness of it all? Have you every really looked at a flower, an insect, a sunset and felt something indescribably beautiful welling up inside of you? Have you ever noticed the wind caressing your skin? There is a bigger high, a bigger escape that can be found, if we take the time to look for it, and sometimes it just finds us, we just have to be aware and open to it.

What is your pain, illness, disease or depression giving you? An excuse? An opt out clause from living? Attention of some sort? A veil to hide behind? Have you ever thought about it? What are you resisting? What are you not accepting in your life? What have you not dealt with emotionally? Who have you not forgiven? Who are you still angry at? Acceptance is the beginning of the end of pain. What we resist, persists until we accept and let it go. What are you still taking personal? What are you still hanging on to, that is causing your depression, your illness, your dis ease, your pain? I know people who have been told they would die young, but they are still alive, I know of people who were told they’d lost the use of limbs forever, yet they can use them now. I know of people who were told they’d never walk again, yet they do. And I also know of people who believed the doctors and they died, or they are still ill, not only with one illness, but a fine collection of maladies, which keeps them happy in a painful way. Please forgive me, some of you are getting angry, protesting, a normal response, some illness etc cannot be healed, oh I know that, but think about this more deeply when your anger subsides. What is it giving you? What is the payback? What would have to be different in your life if you hadn’t got that issue? What would your life require of you? Our body will tell us what part of us needs attention, our subconscious mind will express any perceived threat to the inner balance of our body in some way, shape or form. What is it stopping you from doing? Does that question make you comfortable or uncomfortable? Become aware.

What is sex or porn giving you? I’m not talking about loving sex here by the way. I’m talking about multiple partners. Is it just for company? You can’t bear to be on your own? Don’t you like yourself, your own company, your own thoughts? Perhaps you have a need to release tension, frustration, anger? Perhaps you can’t allow yourself to get close to someone, to connect with them deeply, it’s easier to see people as an object, then you can disconnect quicker, walk away, next please. You might have to lose something of yourself if you connect mightn’t you? Sex and desires are of the Ego part of our minds, they always want to get something, they always fear that we can lose something, so the giving a part of ourselves doesn’t come into it. It’s all about getting. Fear is great in all of this. Ego wants the next great excitement, it’s always looking for more, and nothing ever satisfies this part of us. Nothing will ever be enough.  You’ve tried sexuality, have you tried sensuality? Tantra? It awakens a deeper part of us, a more satisfying part. Have you really looked into the eyes of your lover, seen their soul and let them see yours?… Oh it’s scary… it’s uncomfortable at first… you feel more vulnerable than if you were naked with a stranger… it’s disquieting… oh but how you can connect… oh but how you can know that person without the words. Have you ever just held hands? Noticed the warmth of their skin, have you ever really looked closely at the person you’re with? The magazines and the videos and the images will never even come close to the feeling of euphoria, inner joy and contentment this can bring.

Another form of escapism from pain is the TV; we don’t have to think when we watch it. We can opt out of life so easily. We sit for hours in trance watching stupid programmes, all these things keep us stuck… they all have some form of payback and most of us are happily or unhappily unaware that there is another way. When you see that you have a choice and you can consciously do something towards making a different choice, that’s when things will change, that’s when you’ll get different results, that’s when you’ll see that life does not actually have any meaning…. Until we give it some ourselves! Welcome to your painful awakening if you choose it! The choice is yours! Choose consciously!


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