Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 23

July 11, 2017

Divided Mind – Taming the Ego

By Paula O’Sullivan

 

Taming Ego

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

 

‘We must go beyond the constant clamor of ego, beyond the tools of logic and reason, to the still, calm place within us: the realm of the soul’ – Deepak Chopra

 In order to tame the ego, we must first know a little bit about it, and why anyone would even want to tame it. Notice I said tame, and not destroy it, as we need it in some ways to know ourselves as an individual. If you look in the dictionary, you may very well be still confused as to what it is. It is described as; a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance, the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity, and, a conscious thinking subject. Interesting descriptions.

There are many ancient stories that refer to the beginning of the ego / divided mind, in mankind. Some relate to Atlantis, the Annunaki, and the creator gods. There are references in the bible too.  The Adam and Eve story refers to the creation of the Adamic and Eve race and the subsequent division of mind and the discovery of good and evil, or more appropriately, awareness and unawareness. Apparently the original souls that came to earth, were of a higher consciousness and were fully aware. The duality or division of mind that ego created, led us out of paradise, not poor Eve! We’re in paradise or heaven when we’re fully aware, we’re in hell when we’re not! I’ll explain more about this in a future article.

To make it easier to understand, let’s consider that Ego stands for Edging God / or Goodness Out. If we were like the original souls, before the fall, we would have a higher consciousness and awareness of ourselves and others. We would make more decisions and choices based on love and compassion. We would only see the connections between souls. We would recognize the similarities we all share in this earth school.

Well the good news is, that we are like the original souls, we all have an inherent goodness in us, a light, an awareness, a conscience, or Con – Science (science of the heart)

However for a long, long time we have been conditioned to exist from the perspective of the ego.

The ego is our lower, baser self, it’s all about the ‘Me’ part of us, and self – preservation. The higher part of ourselves, the ‘I’ is the soul, and is about the interconnectedness of all things.

How were we conditioned?

We’ve been encouraged to believe in borders, flags, nationalities, patriotism, and differences. Cautioned to ignore our intuition (tuition from within) and to be skeptic of it. The religious and political stories we’ve been told have separated us from ourselves and others. All arguments, all wars spring from ego, the need to be right at all costs.

We were told Eve was to blame, this started a patriarchal system that is still alive and kicking today.  Women are still being treated as second class citizens around the world. Yes the men did and still do terrible things, they have been conditioned that way. Women do awful things too. In unawareness, in ego mind, we are separated from our soul’s highest intentions.

We were told that the God we believe in is outside of us, and that we’re not worthy enough to even gather up the crumbs from under the table of that entity. If we were encouraged to believe that entity was within each of us, we might just feel it important to respect everyone. We’d all be sacred then wouldn’t we?

Far too many of us were brought up mostly in an unloving manner, with a social myth about ‘sparing the rod and spoiling the child’. We now know that this way of parenting creates people who are unable to love, to connect to themselves and others. It creates people who are dependent and prone to depression, suicide and addictions. It creates people who feel they are flawed, disconnected and unworthy.

Our school systems are primarily geared towards left brained learning. Most of it is academic, analytical, rational stuff. From an early age our minds are crammed with useless shite, of little or no use in our everyday lives after we leave. We are taught to listen and repeat, and not taught to think and reason for ourselves.

We are taught to ridicule the imagination. ‘It’s only your imagination’- (you’re just a feckin looney!)

Perhaps psychology was introduced to highlight and control those fucked up individuals among us who didn’t conform to left brain conditioning. If you’re a right brained creative or psychic etc. you’ll be seen as a weirdo, more separation. Don’t worry if this depresses you, they have a pill for that!

Look around you at your world if you don’t believe me for proof of ego mind in action. Poverty, hunger, greed, wars, bigotry, racism, sectarianism, pollution, slavery, crimes, mental health issues (gentle souls get depressed, in this unloving world of ego. You rarely hear of egotistical psychopaths getting depressed do you?) Pornography (this separates males and females from forming connected sacred sexual relationships) and on and on the list goes!

Is this the kind of world we want for ourselves and our children and grandchildren?

So how do we tame our ego, how do we begin to heal the divided mind?

  • Learn to love, accept and respect yourself, then you’ll begin to love accept and respect others, you will see the connection between us all.
  • Start to value your imagination. It’s the greatest gift we’ve all been given, use it wisely and only allow what you would like to happen into it. Know that what you wish for others, you wish for yourself.
  • Pay attention to your intuition and your conscience, that’s your soul prompting you to other alternative more aware choices.
  • If you are in two minds about some decision, ask how this will affect all concerned, if it hurts or harms another person or being, choose carefully.
  • Practice using your right brain. Stories, music, art, being creative, exploring imagination etc. We need both sides of our brain, we’re like an aeroplane flying on one wing otherwise.
  • Meditate, and listen to the promptings of your higher self. There is a wiser, less mean part of us. We can be cold hearted beasts or warm hearted angels, or somewhere in between.
  • Catch yourself trying to be right, trying to win at the cost of another, trying to destroy someone else, by gossiping etc. Catch yourself out.
  • Find the ‘I’ that is observing the ‘Me’ Find the wiser self, watch the ego play its little games.

Part 24 – The Relationship Bank

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 


Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 22

June 29, 2017

Meeting Your Unmet Needs

By Paula O’Sullivan

Needs

Photo courtesy of http://www.pexels.com

‘We’re only as needy, as our unmet needs’ –John Bowlby (Quote)

Identifying the difference between our needs and our wants, can be the beginning of a very beautiful friendship, with ourselves and others.

Most of us have some very basic common needs, including the need to be loved, accepted, respected, touched, seen, connected, and heard, to feel safe and to feel special.

What happens to us if these basic needs have not been met, either in our early childhood experiences or later on as life progresses?

Well, we’ll go looking to get them met. Everyone you meet, is trying to get their needs met, in some way, shape or form. Knowing this can help us to understand others better. But what about ourselves?

If we don’t know exactly what our needs are, then we might get addicted to something, or find ourselves repeatedly experiencing relationships or situations that cause us deeper pain, in an attempt to cover up our distress or unease. We’ll feel we need to have ‘something’ in our lives to compensate for the loss we feel inside, at not getting our needs met. This can also trigger a deep depression, disconnection and feelings of abandonment and un-worthiness.

And there’s no guarantee that even if you can identify your needs, that someone or something else will actually satisfy that for you. It’s a huge burden to put on someone to expect them to meet all your needs. And even with alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography etc. You’ll still feel the void after the bottle is empty, the high has subsided, the sex is over, the movies or pictures cease to stimulate you. You’ll have to constantly ‘Chase the Dragon, as they say, for your next high. And in between those highs, it can get very low indeed.

If you don’t find out what you really want, and learn to ask for it in a healthy way, you’ll end up attracting others who also share some similar unmet needs. Yes I know, you’re probably thinking, now wouldn’t that be nice, but I can tell you, it can get real dysfunctional!

What’s the difference between a need and a want then?

A ‘Need’ is something you feel you have to have (or you’ll die)

A ‘Want’ is something you would like to have (you won’t die if you don’t get it)

Psychologically, not feeling loved, can make us die a little inside. In some cases where babies weren’t touched or stroked in the early days, they actually died. Those that didn’t die, grew up pre- disposed to depression, anxiety, violence, addictions etc. and were averse to feeling love or being touched. (Psychology experts will tell you that if you didn’t bond with someone in childhood, that you won’t be able to bond with anyone later on, but you can change this, it wasn’t easy, but I did!) So in a way these things are needs for our healthy functioning, and for our soul too.

But what if, in all the searching, what if in all the wrong relationships, you still didn’t meet anyone who really loved you, cared for you, heard you etc.? What then?

Like I said, most people find ways to cope, to compensate, and that’s ok, we’re all doing the best we can to keep surviving, but if all this is causing you mental and emotional pain, I’d like to tell you, it doesn’t have to be that way.

We cannot change anything until we become aware of it. So we need to ask ourselves what do we want, and what do we need, for to create a healthy balance in our lives? And then we need to find the courage to begin asking for that.

More importantly though, because as I said you may not get what you ask for, is to learn how to meet some of your own needs.

No this isn’t an easy task, there’s no quick fix, it’s a process, which needs to be practiced and tested out over periods of time.

You may have to explore issues like your Self Esteem (part 7) or your Core Beliefs (part 13) or being Addicted (part 19) among others.

In my early childhood, I didn’t feel loved, accepted, respected, heard, touched, seen or connected. I had very low self- esteem and a general feeling of unworthiness. This affected my whole life up until I was 44! It affected my career choices and my relationships.

The need to be loved kept me tied to many mental, emotional and physically abusive situations. I survived them, but my soul suffered from all of this. I never found love in those relationships. I found sex, which I thought was love, but it wasn’t, and it certainly wasn’t a good enough reason for me to stay so long with those experiences, but hey, that’s what expecting others to meet your unmet needs can do for you.

When I was 44, I began an amazing journey into meeting my own needs, and that has changed everything for me.

It began with learning to actually LOVE MYSELF. That meant dealing with the negative Self Talk (part 5). It began with recognizing that I just wanted people to be nice to me, because I’m actually a nice person, and more importantly, I needed ME to be nice to ME!

Once this process started, I began to ask myself better questions.

  • If I loved myself, what would be different? How would I talk to myself if I loved myself? What kind of friends or relationships would I tolerate if I loved myself? (I’ve distanced myself from people who are just plain unaware, if they’re not honouring and respecting themselves, they are not going to be able to honour and respect me. If they are destroying themselves, they’re not going to be in a position to celebrate my blossoming, now are they?)
  • What way would I treat my body if I loved myself? (I stopped drinking alcohol, I chose my foods more carefully, I rest when I need to rest, I meditate and exercise daily) If no one wanted to listen to me, how could I get my voice or thoughts heard? (I started to journal, then blog, then that turned into a book, now I’ve several books in the making, there’s always someone out there who might be interested in what you’ve learnt)
  • How could I meet my own sexual needs in a safe way? (Ha, ha, use your imagination for that one!) How could I experience touch? (I got massages and Reiki and began to feel more comfortable with hugging, free hug anyone?)
  • How could I feel more connected? (Spiritual practices of meditation, mindfulness (part 6) and reading inspirational books, helped me see that I am already connected to everything, it was only my thoughts and feelings that made me think otherwise)
  • How could I feel seen? (I started making videos! I started to put myself out there to help people also)
  • How could I feel respected? (Once I started to respect myself, I found I attracted more people who did respect me, and could easily distance myself from those who don’t, what they think of me doesn’t matter, I know my worth now !)
  • How could I feel safe? (By not allowing my needs to override my wants and get me into potentially dangerous situations, which they did in the past!)

This began the most loving relationship I’ve ever had! I’m 100% there for me. I buy myself flowers and gifts. I don’t criticize myself anymore, I know I’m doing the best I can in any moment. I do review my performance at the end of each day, I do seek to improve myself as I deem necessary. I’m in the process of honouring my higher ideals. I love, accept and respect myself, enough to walk away from anyone or anything that is not honouring my higher ideals. This hasn’t been easy, because I’m human, and I keep getting tested, I’m not fully there yet, I’m not even sure there is a ‘there’ to get to, but hey I’m in a process ! I’ve identified my essential needs, and I’ve also divided some of those into wants. I’m not needy now. I won’t accept any old kind of relationship anymore. I might want intimacy, and companionship but I’m happy with myself, I don’t need it, there’s a difference, I can be more choosy now. There’s great freedom in that!

Part 23 – Divided Mind – Taming the Ego

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 


Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 21

April 16, 2017

Self Mastery image

Photo Courtesy of http://www.pexels.com

Mastering the Self

By Paula O’Sullivan

‘Self-Mastery and the consistent care of one’s mind, body and soul, are essential to finding one’s higher self, and living the life of one’s dreams’ – Robin Sharma Quote

As within, so without, to thine own self be true. Self- Mastery means learning self-control. It means learning how to control our thoughts and our emotions. (See Emotional Intelligence Part 9) It means being the same in all situations and having a core of stability within. We are only as strong as our greatest weakness, don’t worry, life will test you on this!

Most of us are like chameleons, we are constantly changing in response to what is happening to us, without consistency. When we’re in the process of achieving self-mastery we begin to realize that ‘Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose his reaction’- (Victor Frankl)

Self-mastery gives us a choice, it helps us to be more in control of ourselves.  And no it doesn’t give us a licence to control others. Ask yourself this: If I’m not in control of my thoughts and emotions, then who is? You don’t have to be a victim, you can choose to be a survivor instead.

Most of us have been conditioned to focus on altering the externals in our lives. We wait for everyone else and everything to change first. This makes for a very frustrating life journey!

When we change, we will find that things change around us. We’ll either accept it, change something, or we’ll detach either physically or mentally from it. Check out Eckhart Tolle’s work on this. ‘Nothing happens until something moves’ (Einstein)

You’re probably asking the question ‘Well why do I have to be the first to make a move or change?’ I’ll answer you with this question. ‘Well how’s that going for you so far?’ If you’re happy with your results, carry on as you are.

Well for me anyway it didn’t bring me to anywhere worth going. It was with beginning the process of learning self-mastery that my life began to change in many happier ways. I’m not saying I’m there yet. Life has many lessons and challenges for me that always keep me on my toes. I’m a work in progress, I’m further on than I was, and I’m getting there, as they say.

Ok so how do you begin this process?

Awareness

Start observing yourself in various situations. Are you doing or saying what you want to do and say, or is there some kind of an agenda to be met? Are you looking for approval? Is it meeting an unmet need? Are you doing and saying things to just fit in with the general crowd, or are you being true to yourself? Watch your reactions. Watch any self-talk. Read my article on Self- Talk Part 5. Also see Part 1. Coping With Depression, where I highlight the two main ways of thinking and how they affect us. As we master ourselves, we begin to notice all these things, and with the observation comes the choice in how we really want to be. See my article on Mindfulness Part 6.

Identify your needs versus your wants

This is really important. Most of us are on auto pilot (not fully aware) we all have basic needs, including security, sex, love and belonging, financial, freedom, fun etc. True needs take into account the higher greater good and serve our soul. Our wants can override this and serve our ego or lower selves, they can lead us into selfishness and a desire to satisfy our own personal interests without concern for how it affects others. There’s an element of developing integrity with self-mastery.

Delay Gratification

Start practicing to strengthen your will by testing yourself in small ways. Delay gratification in some area of your life regularly. Watch your wants, watch the impulses, they can be so strong. For example: I want that biscuit, the drug, the high, the sexual release, the escape etc. but I’m consciously deciding that I’m not going to have that right now. I may wait until later, or I may defer it until tomorrow, or some other time, but now in this moment, when I’m aware, I can choose to delay, if I want to. Observe your thoughts and feelings when you do this. Or another example:  I want to say this to this person, but I’m going stay quiet instead. I’m choosing to be fully present with this person, without being compelled to make the snide remark, or say the things that could destroy the relationship, the trust etc. And yes sometimes we do have to speak up, but play with this to strengthen you will. You may decide to speak up in another moment instead. Practice also doing things you’d rather not do right now, like take out the bins, do the dishes, laundry, paperwork etc. I use a mental symbol of a foot kicking me in the ass, and saying Just Do It! I always have my sense of humour with me, it comes in handy! Notice how much energy we take up in resisting doing things. Your ego will protest, and cause a fuss, but observe it. Practice with little things, and you’ll see where you can be free of external control.

Keep your promises

Do what you say you will do. How many times have you said you’d do something and didn’t? How did you feel? Say what you mean and mean what you say. You will learn to trust yourself, and others will learn to trust you also. Practice keeping your promises to yourself and others. It starts with the little things.

Practice being consistent

I mentioned earlier that we are like chameleons, we are not the same people all the time. If someone is mean to us, we are mean to them, or if we’re afraid, we’ll be mean behind their backs instead. If life throws us a curve ball, we disintegrate, however momentarily. We’re like boats without oars, constantly being driven this way and that by relentless waves. Our self-esteem plays a huge part in this too, and the more you develop a balanced self-esteem, the more you can be consistent with anything that happens. It gives you a strong core of stability that helps you to trust yourself, and be trusted. You will be the same you in all situations. Check out my article on Self-esteem Part 7.

Part 22 – Meeting Your Unmet Needs

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow.  paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 


Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 7

November 18, 2014

Self Esteem

Self Esteem

“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.” 
― 
Laurie Halse Anderson – Quote

 

I love that quote with the line ‘A mirror that doesn’t matter anymore’. It kind of sums up the result of building your self – esteem. I spent 44 years living with low self- esteem, where the mirror mattered and I really didn’t like what I saw there.

The term ‘Self-Esteem’ refers to a person’s general emotional evaluation of their own worth. It is an attitude and a judgment towards the self, it is all about the stories we create about ourselves.

We’re not born with low self-esteem, but we soon become trapped in a triangle of disempowerment. We begin to identify with the roles of either Victim, Perpetrator (forcing issues) or Noble Rescuer (saving people) or else we’re looking for someone to save us. Have a look at your life right now, which role are you playing? I’ve played all these roles over the years, and the problem is, we begin to identify with them. When I was a victim, life was unfair, it was out of my control, when I was a Perpetrator I found I couldn’t actually control everything, and when I was a Noble Rescuer, I found that if people really wanted to be saved they would do it themselves. I was also looking for a Noble Rescuer, to solve all my problems. I found this disempowering. The only person we can control is ourselves. The only person who can save us is ourselves, we are our own magic wand!

We also become identified with roles of being a parent, or our job, our status, our possessions, our illness etc etc. Problem is, what happens when your children grow up? Or you lose your job or possessions? Does your sense of worth go too? Yes! Who are you without these things? Most of us tie up our self -worth in external things, and this affects our self-esteem, because nothing is permanent.

To maintain low self-esteem, you will have to continue to identify your worth with these types of things, and you will have to constantly judge yourself on this performance. You will need to be critical and have negative self-talk. Knowing this, how do we turn it around and begin to build our self-esteem and tackle the enemy within?

  • Become aware of your thoughts (part 1) and choose alternative ones that make you feel good.
  • Develop positive self-talk (part 5) if you catch yourself putting yourself down, focus on what you are good at.
  • Write down the roles you’ve identified with, awareness is the first step towards changing something.
  • Accept responsibility for the part you play, no more blaming, it gives our power away.
  • Stop judging yourself, you’re doing the best you can with what you know right now, and when you know better, you’ll do better.
  • Don’t tie up your worth in external things. Find out who you really are without these things.
  • Find things to like about yourself, and practice doing things that you enjoy.
  • Stop comparing yourself to others.
  • Be patient with yourself, this takes time. Start creating a new story for yourself, this will build your self-esteem!

 

Part 8 Managing Stress & Anxiety

Paula is an Author/ Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Artist in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com


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