Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 24 The Relationship Bank

October 15, 2017

By Paula O’Sullivan

Relationship Bank

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

I wish I’d been aware of the concept of a relationship bank account in my early years of relationships, it would have saved everyone concerned so much pain.

It was after reading Steven Covey’s book, ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ that I raised my awareness. I had been accused on many occasions over the years of ‘keeping score’, but in all honesty, I could see that things weren’t balanced. I was giving way more in my relationships and feeling more than a tad resentful. But there isn’t any blame in my mind now, I see that I didn’t have the confidence or the sense of worthiness to actually ask for what I wanted. I was caught up in my childhood conditioning of how I thought things were meant to be, based on the ways I saw relationships playing out around me. See my article ‘It’s a Generational Thing – Part 20’.

Healthy relationships aim to meet each other’s needs. If you consider the concept of ‘Evolve or Die’, all things must continue to grow, or they die. Ideas evolve or grow into plans and actions, or else they die as unfulfilled wishes. In the same way, relationships and friendships evolve with the building of trust, honesty, communication, clear expectations, integrity, little kindnesses, courtesies, and sincerity. A healthy relationship is about giving and receiving. If we don’t have these little things, we can develop anger, resentment, bitterness, mistrust and conflict. We must put more deposits into the relationship bank to enable it to flourish, and aim to make fewer withdrawals. If you’re wondering why you would bother, then ask yourself why you are staying in that relationship to begin with. Check out my article called ‘Meeting Your Unmet Needs – Part 22’.

So how do we make a deposit? How do we make our relationships better and happier? How do we evolve?

Understanding

It’s really essential that we try to understand the other person’s point of view. Most of us are trying to get our view understood first. We are all reacting based on our own experiences, which may be different from another person’s. If we ask questions to find out how the other person feels, we will maybe understand their perspective and perhaps see how our actions may or may not have contributed. Most of us have a basic need to be listened to, to feel that what we are expressing is valid. You’ll make a serious withdrawal if you invalidate what someone says they are feeling, because it’s real for them. Sometimes we have subconscious scripts playing in our minds based on how unworthy we feel etc. and this can colour our perceptions, but if you want your relationship to blossom, it’s worth taking the time to listen to each other and try to understand where they might be coming from.

Expectations

Most of our thoughts and feelings of hurt and frustration happen when someone’s behaviour doesn’t meet our expectations. The most difficult thing for most of us, is to actually ask the other person what they expect from us, and to tell them what we expect from them. We prefer to mind read instead – it’s much less confrontational – there’s much less chance of being rejected! But this can drive you batshit crazy, because you start making up a lot of stories in your head, which may not be the full truth of the situation at all! When expectations aren’t met, people fall out, become distant, argue a lot and sometimes have affairs and or leave.

Here’s a rather open-minded question based on a perspective I reached from my own personal experiences with this. If you’re not meeting someone’s needs and they have an affair, who’s cheating who? Just something to ponder on.

Keeping your promises

Do what you say you will do. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, if you want to keep a healthy relationship balance. This will build trust, and trust is hugely important. It’s also very imperative that you keep your promises to yourself also, otherwise, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life mentally beating yourself up, and metaphysically you’ll start attracting those people who will emotionally abuse you. I know, because this is what happened to me until I changed things.

Appreciation

Mutual appreciation, admiration and gratitude are real relationship builders. It’s the little daily genuine compliments, concern, kindnesses, courtesies, the wanting the very best for the other, that creates a healthy relationship balance.

 Honesty

Admit and apologize sincerely when you fuck up. We all do it at some stage, we’re busy, we’re careless, we have our pride, we don’t ask for what we want. If you break the trust you have between you, it’s like smashing a plate and glueing it back together. The cracks will still be there, you’ve weakened your relationship, and you’ve made a withdrawal. If you were depositing regularly your relationship might survive this, if you weren’t, it may not.

Part 25 – Victim or Victor – Dropping the Stories.

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 

 

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Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 23

July 11, 2017

Divided Mind – Taming the Ego

By Paula O’Sullivan

 

Taming Ego

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

 

‘We must go beyond the constant clamor of ego, beyond the tools of logic and reason, to the still, calm place within us: the realm of the soul’ – Deepak Chopra

 In order to tame the ego, we must first know a little bit about it, and why anyone would even want to tame it. Notice I said tame, and not destroy it, as we need it in some ways to know ourselves as an individual. If you look in the dictionary, you may very well be still confused as to what it is. It is described as; a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance, the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity, and, a conscious thinking subject. Interesting descriptions.

There are many ancient stories that refer to the beginning of the ego / divided mind, in mankind. Some relate to Atlantis, the Annunaki, and the creator gods. There are references in the bible too.  The Adam and Eve story refers to the creation of the Adamic and Eve race and the subsequent division of mind and the discovery of good and evil, or more appropriately, awareness and unawareness. Apparently the original souls that came to earth, were of a higher consciousness and were fully aware. The duality or division of mind that ego created, led us out of paradise, not poor Eve! We’re in paradise or heaven when we’re fully aware, we’re in hell when we’re not! I’ll explain more about this in a future article.

To make it easier to understand, let’s consider that Ego stands for Edging God / or Goodness Out. If we were like the original souls, before the fall, we would have a higher consciousness and awareness of ourselves and others. We would make more decisions and choices based on love and compassion. We would only see the connections between souls. We would recognize the similarities we all share in this earth school.

Well the good news is, that we are like the original souls, we all have an inherent goodness in us, a light, an awareness, a conscience, or Con – Science (science of the heart)

However for a long, long time we have been conditioned to exist from the perspective of the ego.

The ego is our lower, baser self, it’s all about the ‘Me’ part of us, and self – preservation. The higher part of ourselves, the ‘I’ is the soul, and is about the interconnectedness of all things.

How were we conditioned?

We’ve been encouraged to believe in borders, flags, nationalities, patriotism, and differences. Cautioned to ignore our intuition (tuition from within) and to be skeptic of it. The religious and political stories we’ve been told have separated us from ourselves and others. All arguments, all wars spring from ego, the need to be right at all costs.

We were told Eve was to blame, this started a patriarchal system that is still alive and kicking today.  Women are still being treated as second class citizens around the world. Yes the men did and still do terrible things, they have been conditioned that way. Women do awful things too. In unawareness, in ego mind, we are separated from our soul’s highest intentions.

We were told that the God we believe in is outside of us, and that we’re not worthy enough to even gather up the crumbs from under the table of that entity. If we were encouraged to believe that entity was within each of us, we might just feel it important to respect everyone. We’d all be sacred then wouldn’t we?

Far too many of us were brought up mostly in an unloving manner, with a social myth about ‘sparing the rod and spoiling the child’. We now know that this way of parenting creates people who are unable to love, to connect to themselves and others. It creates people who are dependent and prone to depression, suicide and addictions. It creates people who feel they are flawed, disconnected and unworthy.

Our school systems are primarily geared towards left brained learning. Most of it is academic, analytical, rational stuff. From an early age our minds are crammed with useless shite, of little or no use in our everyday lives after we leave. We are taught to listen and repeat, and not taught to think and reason for ourselves.

We are taught to ridicule the imagination. ‘It’s only your imagination’- (you’re just a feckin looney!)

Perhaps psychology was introduced to highlight and control those fucked up individuals among us who didn’t conform to left brain conditioning. If you’re a right brained creative or psychic etc. you’ll be seen as a weirdo, more separation. Don’t worry if this depresses you, they have a pill for that!

Look around you at your world if you don’t believe me for proof of ego mind in action. Poverty, hunger, greed, wars, bigotry, racism, sectarianism, pollution, slavery, crimes, mental health issues (gentle souls get depressed, in this unloving world of ego. You rarely hear of egotistical psychopaths getting depressed do you?) Pornography (this separates males and females from forming connected sacred sexual relationships) and on and on the list goes!

Is this the kind of world we want for ourselves and our children and grandchildren?

So how do we tame our ego, how do we begin to heal the divided mind?

  • Learn to love, accept and respect yourself, then you’ll begin to love accept and respect others, you will see the connection between us all.
  • Start to value your imagination. It’s the greatest gift we’ve all been given, use it wisely and only allow what you would like to happen into it. Know that what you wish for others, you wish for yourself.
  • Pay attention to your intuition and your conscience, that’s your soul prompting you to other alternative more aware choices.
  • If you are in two minds about some decision, ask how this will affect all concerned, if it hurts or harms another person or being, choose carefully.
  • Practice using your right brain. Stories, music, art, being creative, exploring imagination etc. We need both sides of our brain, we’re like an aeroplane flying on one wing otherwise.
  • Meditate, and listen to the promptings of your higher self. There is a wiser, less mean part of us. We can be cold hearted beasts or warm hearted angels, or somewhere in between.
  • Catch yourself trying to be right, trying to win at the cost of another, trying to destroy someone else, by gossiping etc. Catch yourself out.
  • Find the ‘I’ that is observing the ‘Me’ Find the wiser self, watch the ego play its little games.

Part 24 – The Relationship Bank

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 


In Search of Perfection

July 5, 2012

Image

We’re all going to die. There is no dispute about that. it is the only certainty in this life. But that’s not really the issue is it? The issue is, when are you going to start living? When are you going to grasp this moment, this day, as if it really were your last? When are you going to begin to give everything you’ve got to your situations, to your relationships? When are you going to start giving your best, your 100% to it all?

Because we’re all going to die aren’t we? There are no guarantees. You may think, well I’ll live to my eighties, but you could die this moment couldn’t you? Or maybe you’ve been told you could die sooner, but you’re reading this, so you’re still alive.

But you’re looking for perfection aren’t you? And you’re holding back until you find it, before you can give yourself fully, aren’t you? Well let me tell you that the only real perfection is death, it is complete and final, and you won’t find that kind of black and white perfection in life. In death you’ll find it, you’re either dead or you’re alive. Yet most of us live as if we are already dead or halfway there.

And yet we can create a form of perfection while we live, but we must be fully alive to do so. No half measures here, oh no, you need to give it your all if you want results. You must be fully present in everything, the good the bad the indifferent. Be fully present. Be fully grateful for everything that presents itself into your realm of reality. Fully grateful. No more thoughts of this is not enough, oh no, it is all more than enough. No more thoughts of ego mind, telling you that you aren’t receiving enough out of this or that. No more thoughts of lack, of something missing. Instead with gratitude and an attitude of giving you give it your all, your best; you give it your everything. Then you’ll see the perfection that can exist. Then you’ll discover that it is all perfect, it is as it should be, and that the only thing that was missing was your participation, your giving and your gratitude.


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