Climbing Out of the Abyss – Part 24 The Relationship Bank

October 15, 2017

By Paula O’Sullivan

Relationship Bank

Photo courtesy of pexels.com

I wish I’d been aware of the concept of a relationship bank account in my early years of relationships, it would have saved everyone concerned so much pain.

It was after reading Steven Covey’s book, ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ that I raised my awareness. I had been accused on many occasions over the years of ‘keeping score’, but in all honesty, I could see that things weren’t balanced. I was giving way more in my relationships and feeling more than a tad resentful. But there isn’t any blame in my mind now, I see that I didn’t have the confidence or the sense of worthiness to actually ask for what I wanted. I was caught up in my childhood conditioning of how I thought things were meant to be, based on the ways I saw relationships playing out around me. See my article ‘It’s a Generational Thing – Part 20’.

Healthy relationships aim to meet each other’s needs. If you consider the concept of ‘Evolve or Die’, all things must continue to grow, or they die. Ideas evolve or grow into plans and actions, or else they die as unfulfilled wishes. In the same way, relationships and friendships evolve with the building of trust, honesty, communication, clear expectations, integrity, little kindnesses, courtesies, and sincerity. A healthy relationship is about giving and receiving. If we don’t have these little things, we can develop anger, resentment, bitterness, mistrust and conflict. We must put more deposits into the relationship bank to enable it to flourish, and aim to make fewer withdrawals. If you’re wondering why you would bother, then ask yourself why you are staying in that relationship to begin with. Check out my article called ‘Meeting Your Unmet Needs – Part 22’.

So how do we make a deposit? How do we make our relationships better and happier? How do we evolve?

Understanding

It’s really essential that we try to understand the other person’s point of view. Most of us are trying to get our view understood first. We are all reacting based on our own experiences, which may be different from another person’s. If we ask questions to find out how the other person feels, we will maybe understand their perspective and perhaps see how our actions may or may not have contributed. Most of us have a basic need to be listened to, to feel that what we are expressing is valid. You’ll make a serious withdrawal if you invalidate what someone says they are feeling, because it’s real for them. Sometimes we have subconscious scripts playing in our minds based on how unworthy we feel etc. and this can colour our perceptions, but if you want your relationship to blossom, it’s worth taking the time to listen to each other and try to understand where they might be coming from.

Expectations

Most of our thoughts and feelings of hurt and frustration happen when someone’s behaviour doesn’t meet our expectations. The most difficult thing for most of us, is to actually ask the other person what they expect from us, and to tell them what we expect from them. We prefer to mind read instead – it’s much less confrontational – there’s much less chance of being rejected! But this can drive you batshit crazy, because you start making up a lot of stories in your head, which may not be the full truth of the situation at all! When expectations aren’t met, people fall out, become distant, argue a lot and sometimes have affairs and or leave.

Here’s a rather open-minded question based on a perspective I reached from my own personal experiences with this. If you’re not meeting someone’s needs and they have an affair, who’s cheating who? Just something to ponder on.

Keeping your promises

Do what you say you will do. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, if you want to keep a healthy relationship balance. This will build trust, and trust is hugely important. It’s also very imperative that you keep your promises to yourself also, otherwise, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life mentally beating yourself up, and metaphysically you’ll start attracting those people who will emotionally abuse you. I know, because this is what happened to me until I changed things.

Appreciation

Mutual appreciation, admiration and gratitude are real relationship builders. It’s the little daily genuine compliments, concern, kindnesses, courtesies, the wanting the very best for the other, that creates a healthy relationship balance.

 Honesty

Admit and apologize sincerely when you fuck up. We all do it at some stage, we’re busy, we’re careless, we have our pride, we don’t ask for what we want. If you break the trust you have between you, it’s like smashing a plate and glueing it back together. The cracks will still be there, you’ve weakened your relationship, and you’ve made a withdrawal. If you were depositing regularly your relationship might survive this, if you weren’t, it may not.

Part 25 – Victim or Victor – Dropping the Stories.

Paula is an Author / Hypnotherapist / Reiki Healer / Life Coach / Artist / Photographer, in Blessington Co. Wicklow. www.i-want-a-better-life.ie / paulaosullivan1@gmail.com / Phone 086 0848398 All her articles to date are on her blog www.paulaosullivan@wordpress.com

 

 

 

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Unapologetically Yours – Re discovering your Authenticity

July 19, 2012

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Can you hear the whisper in the breeze? Come back, come back it implores, come back to source. Come back to love, come back to the old ways, to the simplicity, come back to your heart, and let your ego be quiet. Listen to me, listen to me it whispers, listen to me it implores, come back, come back, come back to source.

We’re born authentic, we just learn how not be, as we grow up. We learn that being ourselves pisses some people off, so we change, and we change, until we wake up one morning and no longer know who we really are. We are a montage of others expectations and desires and needs. It’s so sad.

Re discovering your authenticity takes time and patience. It requires a flexible approach. It’s difficult to know where to begin, it’s hard to know what kind of questions to ask, but start asking you must.

Being authentic means being genuine, reliable and trustworthy. Maybe that’s a good place to start. Ask yourself, am I any of these things, and if I’m not, that’s okay, but how can I get to be them? What do I need to do? And most importantly of all, do I really want to become these qualities? Or am I getting some form of payback by not being them? All our behaviours have some form of payback, otherwise we wouldn’t do them.

How do I become genuine? By being true to yourself first. Stop saying yes, when you really mean no. Stop doing or saying things that you know people what to hear or see. Become aware of what you really want to say or do. This doesn’t give you a licence to be uncaring, unhelpful, selfish or insensitive either! A genuine person will kindly explain in some instances why they don’t want to do something. I do it all the time, I say thanks but I’m not up for that at the moment, or I’m a bit drained right now, could you please ask someone else to do that, for example. The world goes on with or without you, and most people will respect your honesty, rather than your unwilling participation. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It takes awareness to do this. Become aware of the things you say or think, and question them, is it true, or is it something a friend, partner or parent always says? Does this really represent you? Chip away at all the bull, you’ll find yourself in there somewhere. I did.

How can I become reliable? Do what you say on the tin! When you align what you think, with what you say, with what you do. There will be no conflict inside of you, and if you say you’ll do something, or you’ll be somewhere, or you say you are a certain type of person, then you will be, because your thoughts, words and actions will show that. There will be harmony within.

How can I become trustworthy? Well, for a start, treat others as you would like to be treated. If you want to be let down, lied to, cheated on, used etc keep going as you are, if you’re like that. No one will trust you, except the odd fool, but even they will cop on eventually. Begin by becoming what you would like to experience with others. Be honest with yourself first. Know what you want and need, and communicate that as openly as possible with others, without fear of their disapproval. Develop an image of yourself as being trusted and being trusting. Take full responsibility for your actions, and stop blaming others, for the part you played.

Let go of your need for approval from others. Catch yourself out, when you do this. Become aware of it.  Most of us have this child inside us wanting to be seen as the good boy or girl! I laughed when I became aware of this in me. Now I couldn’t give two hoots if you approve of me or not, I do my own thing, it’s very liberating I can tell you.

I no longer worry about or care what anyone thinks. Of course there are limits, the world may not always understand you, there will always be someone who disapproves of you, or the way you think, or the way you dress etc. But when you are being authentic and true to yourself, that won’t really bother you too much, as you’ll see that the issue isn’t with you after all, as you now accept yourself… you’ll see that the issue is now with them, and it’s their problem to solve.

For now you are happy and authentic and unapologetically free!

I’ll leave you with two quotes.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
― Margery WilliamsThe Velveteen Rabbit

“There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free


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